The 10 Food Shows Most Likely To Kill America (2024)

Crave follows food writer Troy Johnson across the country as he hunts down the idealincarnation of his food cravings each week. You don't even need to watch the show to know that what he's searching for is not of the green, calorie conscious variety, but instead includes fat-activating foods like fried chicken, ice cream, and pizza.

Our issue is not that these foods are the nation's leading cause of muffin tops, but more that we already crave these foods! So watching Johnson indulge in some of our favorite things at 3:30 a.m. (when his show often airs), when we're either drunk, hungry, or high is just too much for us to take! White Castle is still open and our willpower is not strong! After seeing him get his food fix, you can bet we'll be out the door getting ours too, and when we wake up with a food (and alcohol) hangover, it's Mr. Johnson's ass that will be on the line.

Kid In A Candy Store? More like a kid soon to be in a diabetic seizure. Thanks to Adam Gertler, the host of this sugar-centered show, it has become virtually impossible to leave a supermarket excursion unscathed by the sound of children throwing temper tantrums in their aggressive demands for candy.

Even us adults have been deeply damaged by Adam's sugar-coma quest, which has unearthed such unbelievably awesome terribly unhealthy finds like deep fried cupcakes, chocolate pizza, candy toothbrushes (oh, the irony), and two-pound marshmallows. Now when we make a routine shopping run, we find it impossible to wander the aisles without a deep feeling of disappointment with the lack of creativity and yea-bigness of their sugary offerings. To make up for the unavailability of head-sized marshmallows, we do the only thing we can do: immediately take down three bags. You know, to get even.

They're fat, they're British, and they have an unabashed love for lard, unpasteurized dairy and marbelized meats. Clarissa Dickson Wright and Jennifer Paterson's Two Fat Ladies first appeared on the BBC, and the ladies' love for all-butter-everything quickly garnered criticism for having an evil influence on the Brits' diets.

But, as of this month, the dangerous duo will be making a comeback thanks to the Cooking Channel, which will be airing old episodes for the delight of Americans and the death of their heart valves. Aside from liberal lard usage and an open distaste for all things vegetarian, the ladies are also infamous for Paterson's penchant for chain smoking, drinking while filming, and randomly breaking into song. Watch out America: The fat ladies are here and they are singing! It's officially over for you!

As much as we love gameday grub, we know Tailgate Warriors' singular focus on food that can be whipped up in the back of a pickup truck can't do America any good. Guy Fieri is the evil genius host heading the show, which pits football fans against one another in an hour-long horsd'oeuvrebattle outside a new stadium each week.

The low-key cuisine featured on the show includes every type of slider imaginable and endless mayo covered starches all with gag-inducingly names like "Fried Cheese with Purple Pride Sauce." We don't even know what that is but it sounds delicious. Dammit, we meant deadly! All we know is, if we start having tailgate parties in lieu of dinners well beyond the Super Bowl,we know who to blame.

Freaky Eaters is a show dedicated to food addicts. But we're not talking your average food fixation: The show only documents the most bizarre addictions imaginable. Some of the show's stranger subjects have included a man who only eats cheeseburgers, a woman who needs to drink 30 cans of co*ke each day, and a high-schooler who has eaten nothing but pizza since the 5th grade.

The unexpected danger in Freaky Eaters? When we watch this kind of stuff, we're half disgusted, but equally tempted to try a super-size me-esque stunt of our own. It's kind of like the effect the D.A.R.E. program has on future drug users. You learn about things you never knew existed, become intrigued, and the next thing you know, you're smoking a joint just to see if they got the information right.

TLC may have meant to scare us off with these crazy habits, but somehow along the way, we interpreted it as a challenge. Nothing but donuts for a year? You're on!

Don't be fooled by Pat and Gina Neely's welcoming smiles. This cooking couple is out to get you, America. The Neelys try to tote their fare on Down Home With the Neelys as "family friendly," but in reality this dangerous duo is churning out some of the most calorie-laden cuisine on TV.

Don't get us wrong: We love BBQ just as much as they do. But we're not trying to front and call soul food healthy. Fried pork chops and chocolate-covered bacon may be good for The Neelys' soul, but just looking at itis doing a number on our arteries. Take the oversized hunk of starch that the Neely's call their Barbecue Baked Potato, one of the Neely's classic recipes whichincludes a half pound of generously BBQ-ed ribs, a cascade of cheddar cheese, and what appears to be an entire container of sour cream. Thanks to the Neelys, we now believe in death at first sight.

We're not just giving Guy Fieri flack because we abhor his aggressively spiked, eye-bleed bleach job and subtly grating enthusiasm on Diners, Drives-Ins And Dives.It's because we're concerned for America, people!

While Guy's steel-lined stomach takes on greasy grub whipped up by rednecks at various roadside joints across the country, you sit in front of your televisions wide-eyed and paralyzed by jealousy and hunger. But when what's on the menu is aptly named white trash cuisine like "Home Wrecker Hotdogs," "Spam Pizza," and "Redneck Sushi," you can't blame us for being worried, can you? When you consider the countless unhealthy cravings Fieri has inspired with his nationwide over-indulgence in all things gluttonous, it's safe to conclude that we've identified the Prince of Culinary Darkness, and he's wearing sunglasses on the back of his head. Consider yourselves warned, America.

Epic Meal Time is a YouTube-launched cooking show infamous for whipping up what may be the most creatively debaucherousdishes of all time. Rather than being squeamish about revealing their astronomical calorie counts, they proudly tout the numbers right on the screen, tallying up each gram of fat as they add each far-too-savory ingredient.

The show is the evil creation of Harley Morenstein, whose frequent references to healthy "haters" has received just as much attention as his now famous "Chili Four Loko", which he describes as a "crazy alcohol rainbow pig." After filling a trough with a half-dozen types of bacon, potato chips, and french fries, he goes where no cooking show has gone before and tops his creation with two cans of the now-extinct Four Loko (R.I.P.) and even pairs the concoction with a bacon chalice of the deadly beverage.

Morenstein's magical recipes clearly fall into the don't-try-this-at-home category, but just like Jackass inspired many copycat incidents, we're pretty sure Morenstein's million-view videos have encouraged endless Epic Meal Timeimitators across the country, and maybe even landed a few unsuspecting Americans in the hospital via bacon overdose.

Anthony Bourdain recently described Paula Deen as "the worst, most dangerous person to America." And while we want to defend the sweet Southern woman with cries of "Leave Paula alone!" we can't, because Bordain's assessment is accurate.

But when you're outspoken about your affinity for butter and all things fried, you can't really expect to avoid getting called out, can you, Paula? The Food Network may describe your comfort-driven approach to food on Paula's Home Cooking as "uncomplicated," but simple doesn't have to equate to fat bombs like fried butter balls, brunch burgers made ofglazed donuts with bacon and eggs and fried cheesecake. You're killing us softly with these calorie-laden concoctions, and no amount of Southern charm or sweet talk will rid you of the guilt of bringing your unholy approach to home cooking into our kitchens.

Repeat after us, Paula: Quality is not determined by the quantity of butter.

Man vs. Food is Adam Richman's one-man mission to conquer as many food contests as humanly possible before his gastrointestinal system gives out. And Richman, who can stomach a mean amount of munchies in 30 short minutes, often victoriously rises to the challenge.

Richman has choked down more junk food in a single sitting than some of us could consume in a year, but that's not our chief concern. What worries us most is how much fun he makes it look. Sure, we expect he's incurred his share of gluttony-generated vomiting, but what's a little acid reflux when compared to getting paid to put down 12-pound bacon cheeseburgers, two-foot-long, three-pound burritos, and 42-inch pizzas. Hell, we'd do that for free.

So yeah, we're upset with Adam Richman—upset he has our dream job, and is probably better at it than we could ever be. But if he ever keels over and slips into a sausage-induced coma, we call first dibs on his gig.